Sunday, June 05, 2005

Newsweek Lutefisk Story Sparks Fury Across Volatile Midwest

Uff da! It has come to this, eh?

You must read this hate-inciting article first, and then come back to read my reaction!

My reaction follows...

Born in Minnesota and raised in Wisconsin, I am deeply offended by this article's obvious stereotyping of ALL Midwesterners as dangerous fanatical Lutherans. The Lutheran Liberation Organization (LLO) is not a terrorism unit, dontcha know. They are merely devout men and women seeking to return the land of their fathers to its fundamentalist roots. Transplanted Lutherans around the country host bake sales and car washes to funnel money into the LLO, so that it may promote it’s agenda of Peace.

The media bias has portrayed ALL Midwestern Lutherans as violent, failing to differentiate between the fringe element and the moderates. The tragedy is that now ALL innocent Midwesterners will suffer Christian profiling. As a Midwesterner living quietly in Texas, I’ve already suffered the stares, the nudges, the looks wherever I go. People study me for clues of my religious preference. I know they’re wondering if I’m just a plain Midwesterner or from the fundamentalist Missouri Synod. They are afraid that I might snap and go into a violent Polka or Chicken Dance!

Oh ya sure, the “fringe element” managed to ransack the entire Midwest region, but after all, it’s really because they’ve been oppressed and mistreated for so long by the steady encroachment of the Southern Baptists - who should’ve known better and stayed below the Mason-Dixon line! Not to mention the fact that the Methodists and Episcopalians have actually defiled the carefully manicured neighborhood blocks by placing their own houses of worship on opposite corners. I mean, the Catholics even STOLE Bingo night and have seduced the elderly into their cathedrals on Friday nights when everyone knows that is the sacred Friday Night Fish Fry!! Is it any wonder there is no peace, eh? How on earth are the Lutherans, after being oppressed for so many decades, supposed to live in peace and harmony with infidels, eh?

Furthermore, to add grave insult to injury, the presence of the evil war-mongering California National Guard is proof of an insidous conspiracy for the environmentalists to rape the land of its wheat and corn! Everyone knows how much grain those hippies eat! And corn! They need more and more crops to support their depraved vegan lifestyles. Especially now that their bagels have gotten so huge, and rely on only whole grain wheat! This is really all about WAR FOR WHEAT! Oh ya, you betcha!

Lord knows, it’s been a trial, and the Lutherans have suffered greatly, dontcha know. It really would be best for the world, if they are given the land for their own. Oh ya, the world owes it to them! In fact, though I am a moderate Midwesterner and not at all part of that tiny fringe group of fanatical Lutherans, I certainly do understand their reaction. It is everyone else’s fault, fer pete’s sake!!

Oh, ya hey dere: if you disagree with me, then you’re a hate-monger and a racist.


UPDATE: For a richer understanding of the build-up of violence in the Midwest, please read this background article on the origination of tensions:

Hat tip: Euphoric Reality